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How to say goodbye to the entangled self!

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There are so many things in our life that make us entangled, such as whether we go to play or stay at home on vacation, whether we leave work or not, whether we continue to be single at an old age or go to a blind date. Why do we fall into the eddy of entanglement? What are the psychological factors behind this and what are the solutions?

Entanglement stems from the conflict between self and society

The author himself often has entanglement, such as writing articles, which theme will be chosen, what style of writing will be entangled for a long time. In fact, whether it is work, marriage and other major life events, or daily trifles, behind every seemingly intractable tangle, are hidden our inner conflicts.

The biggest conflict behind the entanglement is the conflict between self-evaluation and social evaluation. Generally speaking, it is: to be yourself or to be what others see as yourself? Rogers, a famous American psychologist, believes that as an organism, a person has a self-evaluation ability. It does not rely on external criteria, nor on rationality, but on the satisfaction generated by himself as a reference for evaluation.

For example, if you are an introvert, you know that you prefer quiet solitude to noisy society. But even if you just want to be a beautiful man (woman) quietly, the working environment requires you to be more social and self-marketing, and family and friends think you need to be more outgoing. Conflict arises when you agree with the social evaluation criterion of "extroverts have more prospects", and you want to insist on being quiet and introverted, so you are confused about whether you want to change your personality or not.

If we can be ourselves as we please, there will be nothing to tangle with. But as social people, we not only live the role of "self", but also live a variety of social roles. There are always various conflicts between individualization and socialization. For example, if you want to be single, but your parents ask you to get married, so you get tangled; you just want to be a contented person, but society requires you to be better and more successful, so you can't move forward or backward.

In fact, everyone will face the conflict between self-evaluation and social evaluation. Some people have a firm heart and can handle the contradiction well. But some people have become easily entangled with everything. They don't know what they really want or how to choose. What makes the difference? Easy to tangle people, the underlying psychological reasons to be traced back to the way they were treated by their parents when they were young. If parents do not allow a child to be their true self, the child can only show what the parents expect, his heart is constantly in conflict. When things happen, there are always two voices fighting inside him: one is his real voice "I want this" and the other is his parents'voice "No, this is not for you, that is right".

No more indecision in the face of choice

Moderate entanglement can make people more cautious, but when the entanglement becomes excessive, it will bring pressure to people who want to break their minds and have no solution. So how can we avoid or reduce tangles?

Know yourself

Listening to our inner voice and knowing who we are can help us reduce our confusion. Understanding what we really need and what our parents and society require will lead us to find the cause of the confusion and to know more clearly how to choose.

Tolerance of contradictions

Karen Horney, a famous psychoanalyst, said in "Our Inner Conflict" that there is always a middle way to happiness. This middle way is not the ability to compromise, balance and integrate with mud and Tai chi. From the perspective of personality, it is easy to think that compromise is a kind of self-sacrificing concession. However, in the process of growing up, we should not only be ourselves, but also meet the needs of society. Compromise always accompanies us. This kind of "compromise" is a mature mind that can tolerate and integrate contradictions. The reason for entanglement is that there are conflicts and contradictions. If we have more mature internal wisdom to deal with conflicts and contradictions, the entanglement will be resolved.

rational choice

If contradictions are really intolerable, then a choice needs to be made. It's hard to make choices, because the process of choosing is the process of losing, and losing, for each of us, is a kind of pain. No matter how reluctant we are, we need to make choices, and be responsible for choices, buy and leave without regret. I really don't know how to choose, so I can try to do problem solving training: discuss various schemes, then analyze the advantages and disadvantages of each scheme, and choose the best one.

Follow suit

So much rational analysis has been done, or what about entanglement? We need to look inward for answers, constantly reflect and explore ourselves: what is the most important for ourselves? What do I want? Is "good" important in the eyes of others, or is peace of mind more important? If you are still entangled, follow your feelings and follow your will.

Ultimate Solution

What if you have tried all the above methods, or if you are entangled? Then accept the entanglement of yourself, time will give you the answer, one day is not enough, there are still 1 year, 10 years, 20 years... And some of the tangles have age characteristics, 17 years old let us tangle things, now want to come but also a smile. After a certain stage, those once tangled, even if there is still no answer, also need not tangle, because the answer is not important, time will heal everything.

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